Scared, was I? 

I wish I could bare the pain,

Of losing the people who are not vain, 

Of the things that matter,

Of the feelings that I don’t want to scatter,

Oh, wait,
Scared, Was I? 

From standing in front of the mirror,

Looking at myself with such horror,

Devoid of a mother’s touch, 

A sister’s love, 

Breaking me piece by piece with precision that I wished wouldn’t hurt much, 

Pushing me into a deserted cave,

Where I would miss her palm over my head when she’s away,

And those little moments of ebullience and pray.
Scared, was I?

From calling to mind those relishing moments and that age full of notoriety,

Of sensing that I cannot get its proprietary,

Stiffening my muscles at my incapability, 

I realised how nonchalant was I at age 3! 
 
Scared , was I?

After sensing that he would die someday, 

Leaving me all alone at the bay,

The heart is nipped and eyes gripped, 

To get a chance to abut him again, 

And let myself feel his last breath without abstain.

But what scared me more?

The fear of losing the people whom I loved to the core

Or the happiness that will sway away without the love they always poured.

Selfish, Am I? 

I do not want to lose the joy of watching the sparkle in my sister’s eye, 

The touch of my mother’s lips on my forehead, 

My father patting my back, 

And my smile that make stars clack.

I desire to stop every moment that I spend with them,

Keep momentous of their gleeful days and pillows of the days when they cried and slept, 

I always feared attachments to such depths,

Who knew the deepest corner of my heart stored my darkest fears haunting me to bits.

Being Loved

A lot of my friends asked me to pen their stories (uh-huh love stories) for a god knows why reason. I used to deny this all the time until one day I could really extract something positive out of this word, this feeling, LOVE.


This age is one of the cruelest companion making you flow away with the winds blowing at the periphery of success. Mind is stampeded with unknown attractions and growing weaknesses. How difficult is it to centre your mind at the things that really matter when you are overwhelmed by the juggernaut of feelings inside your heart? Indescrivibile! 

I was speaking to one of my friend who was narrating to me his indefinable love for a girl he was incapable of eradicating since three years. He arranged expensive gifts on her birthday and traveled states to just have a look at her! Inspite of this, what he had stored in for himself was unrequited love. 

At first, I was judging him so hard for making a fool out of himself for so many years. But soon I realised, how strong was he to love so passionately without expecting anything in return. 


We know love to be obstructive, destructive, cynical, bleaker, and all those negative words one can attach to it. The ones who say its serene are inhabitants of the blue moon. 

Sometime later I decided to look above this canopy of negated feeling and focus at the sunnier side. No one pushed me to it, the sun just shone upon me. No sooner I realised ,love is the only feeling that can grant you immense power and take it away in fraction of seconds. Its upon you to decide for how long you want to keep the ball at the opposite side of the court.


Love can empower you. Love can make you drown yourself into madness, soak every bit of it or keep you drenched, forces you to follow your passion and heart with unbudging conviction, unshackle your strength to do anything and everything and what not! Its one heck of a sentiment. But love does not make you die, do unreasonable things or beg for it. Thats what YOU do. 

You cannot make anyone love you but can that deter your love for him/her? Is unrequited love the only thing we should crave for? 

I have been in one sided love. I have loved passionately. I have felt empowered and vulnerable. I have stayed up nights waiting for his text and cried when he did not. But can that make me feel feeble? 

NO.

At least, you and I had the power to love so immensely! So what if he/she didn’t? 

Just don’t let this destroy you. You are lucky enough to have loved this much and still not be loved in return! Someone really worth waiting for is holding-up for you to give the kind of love you deserve. For now you have to let go the ball from the opponents court and hold it in your hand. For if he is the opponent, he could never be your side and it isn’t worth waiting if you have loved immensely and sufficiently. Even if you wait, don’t allow the opponent to do a goal without you being defending even once! Love makes you wait for no matter how long but that should not make you regret when you stop.

I had stopped with no regrets lined up. What I got next in life made me sigh! 

Caged

” Bye” , I said in a feeble voice to my friend in hostel.
” Bye, sleep well, its already 2 in the morning” she said in an equally fragile tone.

I waved my head and moved on. On the way back to my room, nothing except few horrifying scenes were flashing in front of my eyes. I was afraid of the dark and the light, of the dog’s bark and the steel cracking, of the girl’s giggle and the guard’s wooden stick crackling. I could barely open my eyes and keep my body moving. 

Now what if, I add ” nothing except FUTURE’s horrifying scenes were flashing in front of my eyes”? 

Future? Can anyone ever be so haunted by the future? In a young age of 19 where eyes are full of dreams to be accomplished in future, I was horrendously shaken by just the thought of it. But what wobbled my mind and sense? 

This sentence:

” What will I do ?” 

Discussion with anyone centring these four words incarcerates my mind. The fear of not being able to figure out the exact answer to it makes me numb. 

Are we not all like this? May be not All but every FIVE OUT OF FOUR people are. Something about the future nags us constantly. A lot of documentaries and movies have been made, books written but they seem to affect none of us. 

We are all IMPRISONED

Few days back, one of my really close friend heard a devastating news. He was debarred from giving the final semester exams as he could not get credits sufficient enough to be promoted. He was silent for long. Sweat dropping from his forehead, hands moving in an unknown way and eyes staring at unfixed things, looking at him made us all unnerved. But finally he broke his silence. 
And said : WHAT NEXT

We all beamed up. All these hours he was introspecting to look at his present prospects to decide the best for him. He not only accepted the setback like a victor but also thought of the ways to put it down . What he did not do was curse himself for being in such a position and imprison himself in the tensions of the future. He just pumped his brain cells to find a way out and answer conundrums that he would eventually have to.

A glimpse of the future locks our smile but this guy not only got into the real situation, accepted it, handled it and in all this what he did not lose was his precious smile. 
We all are here for a purpose, too filmy a line, eh?

 But that purpose should never confine our senses. We should never give a feeling the power to cage us. Whether it be fear, love, hatred or despondency. 
I’ve wasted a lot of time in frightening myself by asking questions that I am incapable of answering. 

But why should I empower those questions to lock my senses? 

Shouldn’t I be strong enough to defy those questions, that numbness and the immurement

Each one of us is haunted by something all our lives. But why to give any inanimate thing or for that matter any soul the strength to horrify us? 

We are our own warriors. The shoulders that you have are hard enough to make you stand out and softened sufficiently to support you during the difficult days. Your legs, your hands, your eyes, your ears, everything that you have is precious and your only support system till the end. 
Who says heart and mind cannot co-exist? They both are lovers. When one becomes weak, the other assists. 


So make your heart and mind speak enough to be heard by you.

I’m working on it. I hope you do too. 

Concocting Life

Lying on the bed looking at the intricate details of the carvings on the roof, the encircled floral designs captivating my eyes and cornering my mind into subjects that were hard to push in, I heard my heart singing the beats of an unsung heroic anthem. 
What is it

I tried to feel the song more deeply. Just then my heart whispered a jovial ditty to my soul. My veins felt an uncanny pump. 

What makes me so blithely? 

Something inside me is refusing to stay in now. Rarely do I feel such an immense flow of feelings inside me. But this feeling somehow adorns my eyes with stars and lips with a sublime smile. 

I AM HAPPY .


But what’s disturbing me now? The fact that I know, I wish I didn’t, is this feeling is so overwhelming and RARE. My mind has always been so jungled with problems and heart with under-pleasing intuitions that the happy neural message took so long to be recognised. 

OH, I am happy” 

The word , ” OH” desolates me. Why staying happy is an art and not an instinct now a days? We literally have to search for happiness but despair comes unbidden. Even I was fretful of not being glad often rather than relishing the much awaited contentment. 

People often say , “ I am sensitive, I get hurt easily”

How often does anyone say ” I am sensitive, I get delighted easily” ?

People are struck with depression but no one with exuberance. Happiness is short lived, but so is misery. We overemphasise despondency and abbreviate jollity.

How beautiful would our lives be if we could reverse it? 

Obviously, grief and pain is worth if happiness is full- lived. Just yesterday, I felt so broken, pain-stricken, unworthy, cry baby, and what not. The best of worst feelings were standing besides my bed. I was at the bow of a drowning ship when something happened to make me feel better. Better? That took me from best of worst to the best of best. That feeling surely is worth chasing. Sometimes fulling the heart is more necessary than fulling the stomach. Abbreviated grief gives you pain but also a signal that the drowning boat will start floating again and the air blowing will touch your face and leave a kiss on your cheeks no later.

Feelings are like a fruit chart. Everyone has their own bowl and recipe with varied amount of salt and spices. Every fruit in it is necessary to enhance the taste of the other. But we can get rid of the ones we don’t like by not throwing it but by chewing them faster. Our lives are no lesser than a bowl of fruit chart. 

Every feeling is worth living since that is the sprinkling spice. The amount of spice doesn’t matter but the duration of sprinkling does. 

So don’t ignore the less spicy spices and afraid of the spiciest spices, just let yourself rejoice every spice that adds an extravagant taste to every fruit. 

Verdict Sans Wit 

“I read your blog.”“Did you like it”, I asked.

“Would you mind, if I’d ask you something?” , my friend said.

No.” I responded.

” Where did you copy it from? It was so made-up, unreal, and not surfacing your heart.” 

“Oh, why do you think so? “

” I know you. You can’t write so because you have never been through this. I can discern this. “

This made me glare at him for a second. Just because he didn’t know me enough,he gave his verdict so baselessly! 

Now If I ask you all, haven’t we all done so? Judging someone with an inappropriate cognition of their disposition? And this is hence, a vicious circle. We judge, we get judged.

How many of us have ever tried aggrandising someone? Putting someone down, pushing one into a monotonous carapace, being a snider, questioning one’s ability, and the list goes on. No one of us does anything of this intentionally. The question is that we always complain for being berated, but how many of us accept being antipathetic? 

All of us have something that makes us practise superiority over someone. What makes a difference is that how many of us choose to do so! 
One incident that I recall from school gives me goosebumps even now. 

I was sitting in my class with some of my friends on wooden chairs in a circle discussing random topics and having a great time. Just then a girl came in from the front door wearing her new blue shoes. My friend, sitting next to me popped from her seat and asked the girl ” You wore those shoes by force or because you like to look this ugly? “

And the mouths of us all were ringent. Our eyes were gaping at the rancorousness of her heart. The girl who popped up was fair and slim with small fry facets and the girl to whom she called ugly was brown, pimple-faced and fat with an unbeatable confidence, talent and liveliness. 

Now because the girl was living up to the present definitions of beauty doesn’t mean she can let down any girl whom she wants to. When I asked her the reason behind her senseless comment, she replied ” I didn’t mean to hurt her” .

We all do things without an intention to hurt but why would a sensible person, at first do it? If we are too proud about something, our mind loses control and tongue takes a toll. Making our tongue work without the consent of our mind hurts the heart of the one listening. And then our ego seizes both our mind and our tongue. We don’t want to apologise or for that matter, even accept our mistake. 

This leads us back to the same point. Should we grow a pride-tree using the seeds of our quirkiness? Because if we do, we will have to water it with the tears of other people and water someone else’s tree with ours. 

Judging someone puts us at rock bottom. But how does motivating someone benefits us? 

A few polite words from you delivering someone’s heart the confidence to stand out and a smile to defy negativity should make you feel omnipotent enough

The Hegemonic Heart

Its 3:17 in the morning. I am sitting on the bed with a small wooden table before me with chemical engineering books stacked upon it. The sight of the incandescent bulb just above me on the back wall and the room cluttered right to it proportions drives me two years back with me looking at a girl sitting at the exact same place not trying to look up.
” Will you be able to do it?”
” Yes, I will”
And the girl went on to climb the mountain with full will and an unsure conviction. Brimmed up with self doubts, she never looked back except the times when her leg slipped off the rock. But what attracted her to let it slip, get hurt and climb on was the celebrated crest.

Deep inside her heart, she knew she might not be able to scramble up to the summit but she might land few kilometres below it. But what if, few kilometres turned into many and the people watching down there won’t  ever celebrate her venture.
The girl climbed the rock and landed way too low than the pinnacle. All her fears came true. The people down there were set with fiery darts which shoot upon her as soon as she looked down for applause.
” You’ve failed”
“You didn’t work hard enough”
” You must have put in more strength”
” Push more”
STOP.
Yes, I did fail. I did fall. I could n’t push more. I was n’t capable of more. But what would pull me down?
Blinded with tears and shame, the girl walked down to the edge of falling down to the bottom. Just when her one leg slipped, brain had given up and heart became hegemonic.
Heart questioned her – ” Whom for are you falling down?

“Falling down to the bottom for the people who already are there? Or for the ones who wont be receptive if you would?
Giving up on myself because I could not achieve something for someone is like not eating your birthday cake because few guests did not like it. Because the girl knew,had she really wanted to climb the mountain, she would have. But what if she wanted to go down in the sea and discover the obscure treasures?
Thousands of people in this world are climbing the mountain they would n’t want to because the one they should, they think, isn’t high enough.
How long are we not going to listen to our hearts and tame our minds?
There was a “someone” who contrived the path to his treasure walking past the spikes and pebbles. Don’t be that someone.

Have the courage to contrive your own path and be the notable YOU.

There will be people trying to molest your eccentricity but why would you be the one doing it yourself following something you were not made for?

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Probing Our Psyche

imageIn my idiosyncrasy to write a blog, I shuffled a number of topics in my mind but could not stick to even one. What would give my blog a breakthrough?
Past? Present? Future? What should I discuss that would leave a long- lasting effect on the readers?
Just then I realised, Is it that important to be the best? Why could I not be less than the best and be buoyant about it?
ACCEPTANCE is what I need and what we all do. What and who brings melancholy in our lives ?
We invite it and our dissatisfaction is its cause. We all run towards a pie enriched with butter, sugar and eggs and ignore the rest. We are taught to appreciate the ones who come first and not discover the veiled talents of the ones who don’t.
If not for others, let it be for oneself. Before we learn to appreciate ourselves, we need to learn to accept ourselves. We say, no one’s perfect but what if we relinquish this belief for ourself?
We all are born with our own knacks and shortcomings but deluged with our inabilities,we fail to see our abilities. Life would be so less gawky if we could accept ourselves. I would not be petrified on the stage, not think twice before raising my hand in the class, not be afraid to meet new people, not question myself on whether they will like me, much more sanguine about myself, confident enough to showcase my talent and accept my limitations.
So why not ACCEPT ONESELF and take a step towards CHERISHING your ABILITIES and your even beautiful SHORTCOMINGS to celebrate this event called LIFE. Because Happiness is too valuable to be sidetracked for our unworthy insecurities.
So Let life happen to you. Let happiness hug you. Let go all the fears and straighten that ugly curve on your forehead and push it down to your cheeks.