A Letter To Myself

Rarely did I believe the fact, which I thought wasn’t one, that you meet a lot of amazing people in your life but only few stick by. Around the happy times, this year has given me a lot of unhappy chills. In pursuit of a dreamy life, I overlooked the fact that life is an adventurous roller coster ride
I have always believed that life surprises you everyday. Someday it lightens your eye and brightens your smile and another day it shucks it off. Everything comes uncalled but when the latter happens, its hard to bear. Something inside me doesn’t shuts up now. 

In my 19 years journey on this black-white planet, I have learnt a lot of things. Things to stick to heart, things to shed off, things to crave for, things to learn from, things to cry for and the list goes on. Each setback has taught me something worth keeping for. They have made me stronger, trust people less, expect less and invest less. Yes, I fear in investing my trust and emotions in people because no one except YOU bears the loss if that goes wrong.I have tried being strong. I have tried faking to myself that I can be strong but every time the truth breaks out, it takes away a piece of me with itself. 

When I turned 18, all I had was me with walls built too strong to be broken and believes too high to be turned down. One person painstaking to break every brick of that hard stoned wall to hold my hand didn’t affect me much. I was extremely resistant to his endearment initially and it took me really long to believe that people can be actually nice or trustworthy or lovely or caring. 

He made me walk through green fields and blue sky, under the rain holding the umbrella and dry clothes so that I don’t catch cold, in the sun’s scorching heat holding an ice cream for me and in all the roughs and smooths holding my trust in his eye. 

Suddenly I started believing that may be I can trust people again. I can lend them my heart and they will take care of it. I can shout upon them and they won’t mind. I can cry in front of them and they won’t judge. Most of all, I can be me and they wont refuse to accept.

No sooner I realised, the world is too cultivated to treat your heart, perceive your acts and cater to your expectations in the ways they find right. Finding one nice person and categorising the rest into his was a mistake I made. A mistake that I have made earlier and tumbled head over heels.

Expectation is like a flurry of air taking away with itself peace, contentment and togetherness. And I have always fallen prey to this cyclone of feelings never being able to rescue but just survive

I have always held the view that isolating your soul from the world is the best way to keep it unhurt and safe. Yes, people do care for me and they surely would try to put in their best efforts to not wound me intentionally. But even then, the one who bears the agony is me and I do not know how to detach oneself and stay raw. Since I know cocooning myself is no more an option, I ask , 

For How long can I keep myself protected or build walls around myself or fake that I am strong?

Forgiveness is the stratagem to let go the pain and free myself of the misery.Because mercy is the only path leading to purgation of my inner self

And this New Year, survival of an honest me flying in a transparent sky over all the dreary stars unmelted by their heat is the only resolution that I have. 

Scared, was I? 

I wish I could bare the pain,

Of losing the people who are not vain, 

Of the things that matter,

Of the feelings that I don’t want to scatter,

Oh, wait,
Scared, Was I? 

From standing in front of the mirror,

Looking at myself with such horror,

Devoid of a mother’s touch, 

A sister’s love, 

Breaking me piece by piece with precision that I wished wouldn’t hurt much, 

Pushing me into a deserted cave,

Where I would miss her palm over my head when she’s away,

And those little moments of ebullience and pray.
Scared, was I?

From calling to mind those relishing moments and that age full of notoriety,

Of sensing that I cannot get its proprietary,

Stiffening my muscles at my incapability, 

I realised how nonchalant was I at age 3! 
Scared , was I?

After sensing that he would die someday, 

Leaving me all alone at the bay,

The heart is nipped and eyes gripped, 

To get a chance to abut him again, 

And let myself feel his last breath without abstain.

But what scared me more?

The fear of losing the people whom I loved to the core

Or the happiness that will sway away without the love they always poured.

Selfish, Am I? 

I do not want to lose the joy of watching the sparkle in my sister’s eye, 

The touch of my mother’s lips on my forehead, 

My father patting my back, 

And my smile that make stars clack.

I desire to stop every moment that I spend with them,

Keep momentous of their gleeful days and pillows of the days when they cried and slept, 

I always feared attachments to such depths,

Who knew the deepest corner of my heart stored my darkest fears haunting me to bits.

Being Loved

A lot of my friends asked me to pen their stories (uh-huh love stories) for a god knows why reason. I used to deny this all the time until one day I could really extract something positive out of this word, this feeling, LOVE.

This age is one of the cruelest companion making you flow away with the winds blowing at the periphery of success. Mind is stampeded with unknown attractions and growing weaknesses. How difficult is it to centre your mind at the things that really matter when you are overwhelmed by the juggernaut of feelings inside your heart? Indescrivibile! 

I was speaking to one of my friend who was narrating to me his indefinable love for a girl he was incapable of eradicating since three years. He arranged expensive gifts on her birthday and traveled states to just have a look at her! Inspite of this, what he had stored in for himself was unrequited love. 

At first, I was judging him so hard for making a fool out of himself for so many years. But soon I realised, how strong was he to love so passionately without expecting anything in return. 

We know love to be obstructive, destructive, cynical, bleaker, and all those negative words one can attach to it. The ones who say its serene are inhabitants of the blue moon. 

Sometime later I decided to look above this canopy of negated feeling and focus at the sunnier side. No one pushed me to it, the sun just shone upon me. No sooner I realised ,love is the only feeling that can grant you immense power and take it away in fraction of seconds. Its upon you to decide for how long you want to keep the ball at the opposite side of the court.

Love can empower you. Love can make you drown yourself into madness, soak every bit of it or keep you drenched, forces you to follow your passion and heart with unbudging conviction, unshackle your strength to do anything and everything and what not! Its one heck of a sentiment. But love does not make you die, do unreasonable things or beg for it. Thats what YOU do. 

You cannot make anyone love you but can that deter your love for him/her? Is unrequited love the only thing we should crave for? 

I have been in one sided love. I have loved passionately. I have felt empowered and vulnerable. I have stayed up nights waiting for his text and cried when he did not. But can that make me feel feeble? 


At least, you and I had the power to love so immensely! So what if he/she didn’t? 

Just don’t let this destroy you. You are lucky enough to have loved this much and still not be loved in return! Someone really worth waiting for is holding-up for you to give the kind of love you deserve. For now you have to let go the ball from the opponents court and hold it in your hand. For if he is the opponent, he could never be your side and it isn’t worth waiting if you have loved immensely and sufficiently. Even if you wait, don’t allow the opponent to do a goal without you being defending even once! Love makes you wait for no matter how long but that should not make you regret when you stop.

I had stopped with no regrets lined up. What I got next in life made me sigh!