Rarely did I believe the fact, which I thought wasn’t one, that you meet a lot of amazing people in your life but only few stick by. Around the happy times, this year has given me a lot of unhappy chills. In pursuit of a dreamy life, I overlooked the fact that life is an adventurous roller coster ride.
I have always believed that life surprises you everyday. Someday it lightens your eye and brightens your smile and another day it shucks it off. Everything comes uncalled but when the latter happens, its hard to bear. Something inside me doesn’t shuts up now.
In my 19 years journey on this black-white planet, I have learnt a lot of things. Things to stick to heart, things to shed off, things to crave for, things to learn from, things to cry for and the list goes on. Each setback has taught me something worth keeping for. They have made me stronger, trust people less, expect less and invest less. Yes, I fear in investing my trust and emotions in people because no one except YOU bears the loss if that goes wrong.I have tried being strong. I have tried faking to myself that I can be strong but every time the truth breaks out, it takes away a piece of me with itself.
When I turned 18, all I had was me with walls built too strong to be broken and believes too high to be turned down. One person painstaking to break every brick of that hard stoned wall to hold my hand didn’t affect me much. I was extremely resistant to his endearment initially and it took me really long to believe that people can be actually nice or trustworthy or lovely or caring.
He made me walk through green fields and blue sky, under the rain holding the umbrella and dry clothes so that I don’t catch cold, in the sun’s scorching heat holding an ice cream for me and in all the roughs and smooths holding my trust in his eye.
Suddenly I started believing that may be I can trust people again. I can lend them my heart and they will take care of it. I can shout upon them and they won’t mind. I can cry in front of them and they won’t judge. Most of all, I can be me and they wont refuse to accept.
No sooner I realised, the world is too cultivated to treat your heart, perceive your acts and cater to your expectations in the ways they find right. Finding one nice person and categorising the rest into his was a mistake I made. A mistake that I have made earlier and tumbled head over heels.
Expectation is like a flurry of air taking away with itself peace, contentment and togetherness. And I have always fallen prey to this cyclone of feelings never being able to rescue but just survive.
I have always held the view that isolating your soul from the world is the best way to keep it unhurt and safe. Yes, people do care for me and they surely would try to put in their best efforts to not wound me intentionally. But even then, the one who bears the agony is me and I do not know how to detach oneself and stay raw. Since I know cocooning myself is no more an option, I ask ,
For How long can I keep myself protected or build walls around myself or fake that I am strong?
Forgiveness is the stratagem to let go the pain and free myself of the misery.Because mercy is the only path leading to purgation of my inner self.
And this New Year, survival of an honest me flying in a transparent sky over all the dreary stars unmelted by their heat is the only resolution that I have.